Something’s going on for me

And I don’t like it at all

My body is telling me something

My back — it feels like a wall

I’m so tensed up — can hardly breathe

And no idea why

I was so tired — now wide awake

Feel as if I could cry

But the cries won’t come when I can’t breathe

Is it fear I’m feeling now

I just want to know what it’s about

Just let my mind allow

The terror of a little girl

A girl who could not sleep

What’s happening now — happened then

As she heard the floorboards creak

Whatever happened in that house

Will I ever know

My muscles tell me it wasn’t good

Was no safe place to go

Just curled up upon my bed

Praying sleep would come

No one ever heard me

I had nowhere to run

Did I ever say anything

Or did I even know

What was happening to me

Why didn’t I just say no

Those are my mother’s words

She says them to this day

My father — just don’t talk about it

No one can have their say

I can’t explain what happened

But know it wasn’t me

Who came into the bedroom

And tried to talk to me

But it wasn’t only talking

His hands upon my breasts

My mind just sort of left me

While he did all the rest

My body was reacting

And I hate it to this day

Why couldn’t I just have lain there

Maybe he’d have gone away

The adult me is oh so mad

Why didn’t I say Fuck Off

Get the fuck right out of here

I could have at least said Get Lost

Now I can picture it all happening

As if I’m up above my bed

And looking down I can see them

Her laying there and his head

His hands are under the blankets

All I want to do is scream

But I lie there saying nothing

Maybe it’s all a dream

But my muscles are just jumping

Holding in those many screams

No wonder I’m not sleeping

And no wonder all the dreams

I am going to get through this

No matter how long or hard it is

I want it to get easier

For my sake and the kids!

This is all about mourning

The kid that never was

Well, I’ll take the time to find her

And love her just because

She is a special, special person

Who deserved better than she got

She is me and I am her

And always each other we have sought

I know I am just finding her

Won’t let her out of sight again

We’ll stay together always

And become the best of friends

I know I am relaxing

And every so often I breathe

Maybe sleep will come easier now

And some peace I will achieve

But my leg muscles are aching

They’re screaming out their pain

Is this the time to go in my car

And scream and scream again

Hitting a pillow doesn’t do it

Writing isn’t working so well tonight

I wish I could go out walking

But is it safe for that at night

Maybe I’ll just do some stomping

Or lay here and kick my bed

I know I’m fucking angry

That I’m feeling this instead

Of my abusers who are many

They should have to put up with this shit

Then maybe we’d have a better world

And life wouldn’t be such a rip

I feel like I got ripped off

Of what was rightfully mine

A happy childhood and a life of peace

Content would be just fine

Instead I have this up and down mess

The pain I can’t describe

The horror that’s churning deep within

And cutting up my insides

I want it over — just have it out

The depression creeps back in

If it was gone — what would I do

I don’t know who I am

I’m hoping it will sort itself out

If I give myself the time

To listen, love and care for her

This little girl of mine.