Coming to terms with who I’ve been
And who I am
Sounds easy
But what if you can’t remember who you were
Does it matter
This is who you are now
But who am I now
A person with lots of strengths
Lots of skills
But why do I feel worthless
Exhausted all the time
As if everything is too much
Can’t do anything
Inadequate as a parent
Inadequate as a person
Like it’ll never be any better
I’ll never amount to anything
It’ll always be this way
Why don’t I have any ambition
Why don’t I care
About myself
I’m angry again
My teeth are gritting
My stomach’s churning
Like there’s acid in there
Burning up my insides
Did I ever get to say what I wanted
Did my opinion count for anything
Was it just “Do as you’re told”
“It’s none of your business”
Let it go
My throat hurts so much when I wake up
I blame myself
Is it smoking too much
Or is it pain
From holding them in
The words that would say
I’m angry again
Angry because
I couldn’t explain
How scared I was
Again and again
Angry because
I was in fear
No one to tell
Year after year
Angry because
There was so much to do
Angry because
It was expected of you
Dishes, the clothes,
The rooms such a mess
Take care of kids
And do all the rest
And then every night
When you walked in the door
Everyone jumped
To clean up the floor
To put down a plate
In front of you
And whatever you asked
We rushed to do
What did I get back
For meeting your needs
All I wanted
Was a few seeds
Seeds of laughter
Seeds of love
Some approval
From up above
You were like God
To me in my life
I was treated
Like a wife
A wife who was there
To serve every need
My heart is aching
I was in need
Of someone who cared
About what’s going on
In my life as well
I wasn’t as strong
Strong as you wanted
To take care of the house
Sometimes I’d have liked
To be like a mouse
A mouse who could hide
Only come out at night
When there’d be nothing to do
Everything out of sight
So that’s what I did
Put it out of my mind
But it’s stored in my body
For all this time
The hurt and the anger
The sadness and pain
My body hurts
Coming alive again
Think of those times
And I’m just so tired
Feel like a slave
A slave that you sired
A slave who doesn’t
Have to do it again
But doesn’t change the fact
That I’m the one who’s in pain.