What is it?
I think I glimpsed it once
But not something I’m familiar with
My angel card of the night
Something for me to keep in mind
Till I find it?
Know there is a lot of pain inside
Is how I feel right now
Never knew what the word meant
But it comes from sadness
Too much grief
Too long
Sitting in restaurants
Writing my thoughts
Pain in my back
Can’t keep up
Processing all the time
Writing, writing, writing
Scream in my car
Seething rage
Rage I have a right to
But want it out
Out before it destroys me
Pain in my back
My muscles betray me
No, my muscles are there for me
Supporting me
Believing me
Trying to find a voice
They are screaming for me
Breaking the silence
Of a little girl
Whose sobbing
Sobbing from the pain
Of betrayal
Betrayed by those she loved
And still betrayed by me
The adult me
Who is hurting her
By staying so busy
By smoking to dull the pain
That no one
No one wants to hear
That’s not true
There are a few
Few and far between
Who care
Who are willing to listen
But no one
No one can be there
All the time
For the little girl
My little girl
Except me
I always want to share
Share what I have learned
Learned about myself
I want people
People to understand
but to share with me
My joy and my pain
But everyone
Everyone is so busy
Busy with their own lives
That the days go by
And there are fewer people
Fewer people that I need
I’m more comfortable alone
But I’m scared in the hard times
There will be no one
No one to understand
What’s inside
Because what’s inside
I don’t know and
I don’t know if I want to know.
I learned something today
For me to be safe
I must be careful
When and where I speak
Others aren’t often
in the space that I need
A space where they’re there
Just for me
So seldom, so seldom
Can I find that
I found it in the once-a-month group
Three months ago
I found it for fifteen minutes
In the battered women’s group this week
I found it for fifteen minutes
In New Hope a week ago
I found it for two hours last night
with a friend
I found it for an hour on Sunday with another friend.
I know I need more
More time for me to be there
Just for myself
Only I don’t know how to do that
To get the time
I could take the time
But give up my job
When I’m just getting started
I am so tired
So tired of the struggle
To go on and on and on and on
Through the pain
Is it worth it
Where is my hope
Now I’m thinking
Who can I phone
How can I get through
A friend phoned me
I could tell her I’m in the dark
She would understand
But would she have the time
Maybe I’ll do what I did last night
Draw my rage, my darkness, my pain
And hope I get to the joy
I have to figure this out
Because this is no good
The pain is coming out of my hands
Down my arm
It’s getting worse
I’d better quit
Maybe I can cry
Cry all the way home