Why is it hard to write it down

It’s screaming in my head

All those put-downs — that I think

I’m so good — Who do I think I am

What do you think you’re doing

How can you be so stupid

I lay in bed and cannot sleep

I’m so angry– way down deep

Mad at myself and I don’t know why

I feel so insecure — scared I will die

Die if I say the least thing wrong

It’s hard to believe because I think I’m strong

It’s scary to think of what I must do

My mind’s going crazy from what they did to you

My mind — what’s it about

Did it just change — so much doubt

There’s rage inside — I know it’s at Dad

It scares me so much — was I so bad

He gives the appearance of being so good

I can’t say anything — it wouldn’t look good

Who is he anyway — what did I do

That would be so bad — for what they did to you

I hate the pain — I think my mind just clicked

It shuts off and on — do I scare myself sick

Families — they have such a hold

What is it that holds me — I know it’s not gold

Money means nothing — I have what I need

Why am I scared — I’m in the wrong for a certain deed

Is it Stretch again — it comes to my mind

What really happened — was it more than one time?

I remember riding the hills in his fancy green car

Did he do something then — seems stretched too far

I feel like a liar and I know that’s not true

I’m tired of the pain that you had to go through

Sitting on my balcony I have nothing to gain

The adult me knows there’s reason for this pain

It’s hard to sit here and not blame myself

Feel I’m no good — put me on the shelf

Will I go crazy from what’s inside

Should I be working — then I could hide

I’m tired of this — when will it be gone

I feel so inadequate — what’s gone wrong

If it’s all my fault then I want to know

What I’m talking about — this is so slow

A slow death is what they deserve

But who am I talking about — what nerve

Always say nice things — don’t talk back

The legacy I carry in my back

The pain in my ankle — the worst it’s been

Feel like I’m complaining and that’s a sin

My mood changes so fast I could scream

Smoking non-stop — will I ever change?

Hard to see positives when I’m feeling like this

Hopeless, helpless, powerless, the shits

It’s so confusing, what is the hold

I’m tired of running but can’t let go

Five o’clock mornings lying in bed

Wondering what’s coming — filled with dread

How am I going to make some new friends

When I sit there not talking — my mind feels so dead

Why did I move — what will I do

I want to work — I feel like a fool

Sitting around lazy — is how others will see

But they don’t know what it’s like to be me.